'ello 'ello!

Wow blogging world, its nice to see that the big ol web is still churning and people out there are still looking for a connection to whatever it is that they need...

So when i started this blog it was to be a channel for my thoughts and opinions, for my journey and struggles, a place to just write and write and write and write in an anonymous way... has that changed? No not really, I guess the only changes would be that my blogging has slowed down considerably..

This space for those who read, stumble or just don't read, is a place for questioning, observing, and just thinking... If there is a question on your mind why not simply ask?

For this particular blogger, she is just starting back at uni, not quite studying where she needs to be but not falling behind either. She is desparate to begin her journey towards a skinnier me in which as of day 1, I shall be counting down the days as well as hopefully the kilo's until I reach my goal weight... All of which shall begin when I begin.. Its the sitting down and saying to myself for the next however long it will be, this is what I am, and what I am doing and nothing else can get in the way...

So until that day begins, I farewell thee bloggers, and end with this: is there something that you keep putting off, whether it is a secret that needs to be told, or a job that needs to be done... and why, exactly is it are you putting it off?? Or have you been in a situation where you needed to do something but did not particularily want to?? In that case how did you go about it??

As always,
-Lost Girl

I never realised how much of a drain travelling is, over the past week I have explored the tropical Singapore with my family. It was incredible, and such a new experience, (not the travelling part, the Singapore bit) that coming home I am stumped as to how to take my time. Apart from the fact, my younger siblings simply wanted to spend a weeek shopping, which in itself is a drain.... there is so much stuff, and people we met that its hard to work out what exactly went down when...

Some highlights though;
-trying my mum's idea of "pineapple" at a thai restaurant... turned out to be tapiocha which for all you who have not tasted it, it resembles something like wax, and is definitely not pineapple!
-Singapore, particularly Orchard Rd, at night! It is so beautiful with all the shopping centres, and different plaza's all lit up and sparklyy
-The Night Safari! OMG if you head to Singapore, apart from a whole heap of cash to shop your lights out, the Night Safari is the BIGGEST recommendation I probably will give. Most of you must be thinking, hang on a second a zoo is a zoo, and once you've seen one you have seen them all! well think again my friends, this branch of the singapore zoo, the night safari is indeed spectacular, you are welcomed by a very tribal performance with fire dancers, fire eaters, and even some flame throwing before heading off on either the train or the night walk with the many wonders of the night being insanely accessable and while most zoo's the animals seem to spend all day sleeping, these animals seem to have come alive with daylight falling.... from walking into enclosures with fruit bats and flying squirrals with a nack for gliding close to your head, to lions that roar, and even fight... to playful otters and many many other wonders...

So my prognossis, when on a short adventure like mine, expect to see many wonders, experience many different things, and be prepared for lots of dirty washing and an extreme tiredness when you get home....

Forever writing
-Lost and Wandering Girl

It has been a long time

Since I last posted. What has changed?
Nothing.. Everything... and some line in between.

It's my birthday tomorrow, I am going to be the big 20, no longer classified as a teen but still too young to be recognised as an adult.. I hope tomorrow turns out better than last yrs Birthday.

Another big note, I have moved out.. out of my home, away from my family.
I hope it is for the best...

SO while, there are changes going on, somethings have not changed and for that I remain
-Lost Girl

A short monolgue, from one to another.

You would like that wouldn't you? You, I see you staring at me with glazed eyes. You pretend like you have no idea what is going on. You would have liked it if I had've stayed in the dark, because the longer I am in the dark, the better you feel about yourself because all that guilt is kept at bay.

But I am not in the dark any longer, I will not be naive to the situation. I am on to your game, and I am not pretending innocence in this.

I'm over it. The fake smiles, the its ok attitude. It's gone.
It was driven away when you decided you would rather be with her. It's creepy you know. It's creepy that you used me to get to her, its creepy that you ditched me to buddy up to her.. and it's creepy that you are now cosy with her.
I just, I can't live with it. I can't deal with it, I can't pretend that it doesn't creep me out. It does.

So next time you decide to talk to me, know this. You will forever be deemed as her friend. You will forever be held at arms lengths, and I will not lean on you no longer. I banish you from my presence just like I banish you from my thoughts. I will not think of you in the days, weeks or months to come, and when you are mentioned or seen from here on in, you will just be a person. A person I no longer associate with, a person I no longer care for.

In all this, I do not hate you, I just can't live like this. For to hate you, would give you the satisfaction of know that I still care in a way. You would like that, wouldn't you?

A new day, a new beginning

This is going to happen.

From the minute I wake to the minute I sleep I think of you. I think of how today will be the day that we make the change, that we move towards a better me, and a better us.
With every breathe that escapes my being a new emotion erupts from within. Excitment, joy, anger, embarressment, guilt, and more importantly fear.

Fear, the fear that this time it won't work, that in a couple of hours I will just lapse into past behaviours, past habits and not do what I want to do. Don't you just hate fear?
-Lost Girl

Wish upon a Sunday

Once again Sunday dawns upon us. For every day that passes us by, and every chapter we write in our books of life we can always count on the sun rises and the sun sets. One day blurs into the next and before we know it, weeks, months and years have passed us by. But for every day that passes us by, there is a day that is seized. A day in which for the rest of our lives we shall remember it. The day we took action, the day we decided it was our time.

So, on this particular sunday, this sunday where we pay hommage to all the mothers out there for there choice of gifting life, I would ask you to reflect on the moments in which you may have seized the day. The times in which you stood up and took life by the hand and you told life that today, today was yours.

To all those who may be lost, or confused from one soul to another, Carpe a diem...
-Lost Girl

Philosophical Moments Arrive out of Despair.

I've stopped moving forward.

There are things in my life, that I desperately want. There are things in my life that I desperately need. And yet I am still sitting here, in the same spot I always sit. In the spot where it all began.. and all I can see is how nothing has changed. There has been no progression. It is as if the darkness itself is swallowing my soul from the inside out. All I ask is for some self control, for my body to do what my mind tells it to, for my mind to follow through what my will wants. And as I wait for the darkness to smother the light, I wonder how long until all you see is the shell of the person that exists inside. How long until no one sees the shell? and how does one come back from a slow state of dying?

Yes, death. Many have commented on it, many are afraid to think of it. The truth is, everyone dies. Everyone. Its wrong to think, oh well that person is going to live forever, or to look at your neighbour and know that they will have a long happy life: instead simply everyone dies. One day you may wake up and discover that your sister, or your mother, or your hairdresser, or your grocer is gone. Is dead. Didn't wake up. And eventually one day, something will happen and you won't be the one to draw breath anymore.

So what to do when you draw breath but there is no life to you? How to stop the darkness from consuming you? How to stop the darkness from consuming others?

I may see hell one day, and when I do, I hope it is worse than slowing dying while drawing breath. Because as far as I am concerned, there is nothing worse than knowing what you want and not being able to reach it, or living one moment in light and progression and then being thrown in to the reverse.

So, from the darkness and the despair in the bottom of my heart. From the hopelessness and worries of my soul. From the disbelief and the bewilderment in a failing deity I ask..

Are there still moments of hope in this life?
Can one find hope in the darkness?
And how does one keep going, keep striving forward, missing these failed moments in life???

Yours Forever
-Lost Girl

All Nighters

With this uni semester nearing an end, it forces one to ponder, so what next? Although I may not be graduating I still must ask the question. After all, there is only so much of studying and being broke one can handle before they go crazy.

Until the semester ends though, on nights like tonight, when I have urgent assignments that need to be churned out, caffeine becomes my new best friend.

To all those out there, when things are urgent do you find that more things pile up or things go crazy when you don't need them to?? For me, in the past 3 hours I have had to install a new anti-virus software, install a new office, find missing texts, clean some space as well as clean up the drink I spilled. At least unlike the last time my massive essay was due, I haven't sprained both my ankles.

So, I buckle down for a nice all nighter, which hopefully I will not simply sleep through (like last time) and pray that this assignment writes itself. Although you would think theology would be one of the easiest subjects to talk on, how hard is it to write an essay on God?? well.. difficult I must admit, especially when asked to write on "what the theology that emerges is" what does that even mean??

So i say goodbye to all you bloggers, and hope that those of you with pressing matters on your hands can complete them swiftly without too much drama. I also hope that unlike me you will not suffer from a failed Japanese test.
-Lost Girl

Commitment Issues

I don't understand it. Why am I so scared to commit? Why can't I just leap into it, and to be faithful to it. I keep telling myself its what I want to do, but my actions. My actions just keep contradicting everything, and then I am left wondering, when my mind finally catches up with everything I am doing: how could I do this to myself?

I am not necessarily talking about a relationship here, but just everything in life. Whether its you have promised your pet that you will walk them today, or you looked at those study books and you swore you would start on the study. How can you keep yourself 100% focused on the task at hand? How do you cross the line from thinking about it, to putting it in motion???

-Lost Girl

I may not be able to change the past....

But I can hope for a better future.

As, I sit here at my desk trying not to stress about the uni work I have coming up, I ponder. I ponder my life, its meanings, my mistakes and short comings, as well as my future. With all the thinking, maybe I should become a philosophy major.

And the conclusion: although I can do nothing about how I became who I am, and I can't change everything that has happened, I do hope that when I wake I can at least try to make the future different. After all, "I am the master of my fate; the captain of my soul".

Although, to the believers what control can one have over life? And more so, if your fate is to be handed over to some devine being; do you sit around and wait for intervention that faith dictates will happen when you "hand over the reigns" or do you still have to go out and act, act with some control of your life?

As always insanely confused and
-Lost Girl

Try, try again.

It is only early, but today we are going to do it, instead of falling short we are going to get back on the band wagon and fight. Fight to do what it is that we want to do, rather than what we are use to.

-Lost Girl

Birds can't swim, but fish can fly....

Don't you hate it, when you know where you want to be but you just don't know how to reach it. It is like everyday becomes a struggle, one minute you are striving and the next you have fallen into some habit that you thought you had overcome, and it leaves you even further from your goals because not only arn't you there, but your will power has given way to.

Fear.

What is fear? What are you afraid of?
Fear, it devours and strikes when you least expect it.
It causes you to miss opportunities, and stop moving forward.

My fears, my fear at the moment is that the dream i have, the dream to create something that means something to someone, so that people can see that we have something to believe in again. I want to do that, but I don't know if i can. And if I can't, then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me.
So what does it mean? It means my options include, hiding, or running and letting life pass me by, just so I don't have to deal with my fear of failure.

But as I am running, and as I am hiding to stop myself from getting hurt; I am also eliminating my chances of success.

For all those out there being held back by fear, don't. Don't let it consume you, or destroy you. Don't let it cause regret or more pain when you could face it and conquer it and be alive.

-Lost Girl

Respite

Finally, the first block of assignments are over and done with. I can breathe again, well at least until the end of next week...

To all those readers out there, look to the skies tonight. It promises to be a full moon, and full moon's definitely have the potential for magic. With the nightsky lit up by the brighteness of an incandescent circular beauty, and the stars appearing to twinkle brightly, remember someone you love, for there is nothing more romantic than a full moon.....

I know i will be watching.
-Lost Girl

Flying free?

Konnichiwa,

So, it is Tuesday once again, and things seem to be going as slow as usual.
Uni work is pilling up as we approach the middle of the semester, and my time wasting skills seem to be getting a bit of a work out.....
Does anyone know of any good study tips? I mean sure there is probably a generic list such as exercise and sleep well, but I would like to know of any quirky methods that you use to help you study...

I guess it is back to the books
-Lost Girl

Deception.

It's happening again.. I can feel it, I can see it. I can't stop it.
Betrayal. Betrayal by those considered my best friends, those people that I stood by and betrayal by my own kin. I trusted them to not do this to me, I thought that things had changed, but I guess I was naive to the facts... and now its as if my heart is being torn apart.. again....

This time will be different though, I will not stand by and be ok with this.

A question; Does being alive and experience life to the full, require you misplace your trust, and experience pain and heart ache in order for you to experience happiness?

-Lost Girl

Modern day miracles, do they exist?

"Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus." Acts 4:30

My question for the day.. As i sit here procrastinating the theology essay (that is due first thing tomorrow) I wonder...

Are there such things as miracles anymore? Does God still have control of power here on earth? I mean you here the scripture talk of people possessing the same power that Jesus Christ did when he walked on water, or raised people from the dead. But is it real? Do we have access to this power that God has bestowed on us through the holy spirit?

To the non-believer, this is all nonsense. To those who are naive to faith and christianity, they probably do not understand the promises made in the bible. But to those out there who can relate to this, the question goes out...

Do we have the power? Or have you seen such power? Have you experienced something miraculous?

I do not confess that i have a superb relationship with God, I do not proclaim that I have no doubt... But i do believe. Believe in God,and Jesus and all the rest, but sometimes I just wonder... I haven't seen any miracles, I have not witnessed a great event, or something that made me sit back and go wow God does exist..

So where does this line of questioning come from? This thought train you may wonder..
As week 15 ends, and no change has come to my habits, I tried really hard and made it through 3 days, but 3 days won't compose change, I need self-control, determination... and a need to not be afraid to do what i need to do. Tomorrow I start again. More than that, tomorrow I start for good no more bad days if I can help it. And while I stress about one aspect of my life the other seems to fall apart.

Hence the all nighter... If there is anyone that reads this.. feel free to comment especially if you know anything about the early theologians such as Clements of Alexandria, or Tertullian...
-Lost Girl

What should you do, RANT....

So its monday morning, and I am driving along in my car listening to the radio 93.7 to be exact and they start talking about Claire Murray and i just got jazzed..

I don't know how many of you out there had heard about Australia's Claire Murray; a desperate mother and drug user who pleaded to australia to help with her liver transplant... her second liver transplant......

I generally am not a nasty person, and i don't know the girl.. but how stupid must you be to abuse a new liver, her second chance... with drugs which was what destroyed her first liver.. and now to want special attention and treatment and for people to feel sorry for you when its just as likely she is going to do the same thing to her third liver...

Fair enough, for the sake of her family then something should be done.. but isn't that the case for every family in desperate need of an organ donation, or even simply surgery of any kind?? So what makes her more special than any ordinary person? why should the government give her family funds so that she can have this procedure done when they don't offer it to anyone else???

Maybe you out there sympathise with her, or pity her... but as far as I am concerned, she bugs me... all she talks about is herself, and then to say i won't do it to a third liver but doesn't show any action, there is no talk of her being clean now so why would she be clean with a new liver???

Hey, maybe she would make a good politician...
-Lost Girl

Sunday

What a blessed day Sunday is. It is a day for relaxing, regenerating and doing well.... nothing. Or everything, everything that you want to do and spent all week thinking about, but never had enough time. It is that day where you go to the beach, and you read that book, or you take a bubble bath with scented candles...

Unless your a uni student like me. Sunday, then becomes assignment day. Wow, a blissful day of non-stop university work.

On a plus though, the question goes out... Who had a good Saturday night?

Well, I admit that my last night was pretty spectacular, what can I say CHICAGO =] although it was not as good as I had pictured it to be, it was still pretty amazing. I loved it. Although now I get to write a critical analysis of it for me creative arts course... Fun yes?

Who can complain though, if it was not for my uni work, I would probably go insane from lack of stuff to do........

To all those readers out there; enjoy your Sunday as we all know what tomorrow is...
-Lost Girl

The Start

So today marks the first day on my journey. The first step into a new direction and new life. I began a 1200 calorie diet, which if i stick to it, should hopefully produce some great results. Yay?
I don't know, for some reason I am not super psyched about losing weight, or maybe its the fact that for the next 15 weeks, the only food to pass my lips shall be completely healthy and not full of sugar..

That is if i stick to it.. Anybody have those days where try as you might something creeps in which you swore to yourself you would never do? May it be a secret food craving forfilled, or a coffee one, or a completely different craving, like say watching a movie when you swore you would do your work instead. I find that I tend to have those moments when all of a sudden without even realising it, you are doing the one thing you swore you would not and then you are totally guilt filled that you continue to do whatever it was until you lose interest.

May the next 15 weeks not be filled with those kinda days is all I can say.

Onto a completely different subject, anyone keen to read Hard Times, by Charles Dicken's for me? I am afraid my week of leisure is coming to an end as the amount of uni work I have to do is building up. It looks like the rest of the weekend is going to be full of hours sitting on my ass attempting to do the readings that are disinteresting and really realllly reallllly long.

Anyone know of any good study tips? Useful methods to cut the time in half, that is definitely what i am looking for.

Until next time...
-Lost Girl

The Journey

So, in terms of knowing me I guess one of the biggest things you could say is that I have a massive journey ahead of me.

In all honesty, I am not a skinny healthy girl, but a massively overweight one. My mission is to reach my goal weight by my birthday the 27th of June. In terms of what this means number wise I have around 45kgs to lose in 15 weeks. That comes to roughly 3kgs a week. For me, being overweight or a heavier girl has pretty much been my life. I almost reached my goal weight 3yrs ago, and to see me now its almost inconceivable. How can one let themselves go so far? I despise that I have come to this point, and after 3 yrs of turmoil and spending every day trying to "diet" I have finally reached a point where I can no longer just try but must religiously act.

Body image has become my life, my obsession and the unhappiness of it all is eating away at me. I tend to lose control when i even think of how far away I am from my goal and in terms of an outlet, i seem to resort to food. So, I begin a new regime, a new attempt at regaining control of my body, my habits and ultimately my life and my fingers are crossed that I can stick to it.

I know people who read this, or don't as the case may be, are thinking it's her own fault.. Well that I know, and i don't want to hear from people who are set on bringing me down. But for those out there who are in similar situations as me, or who understand at all of what I am going through, I hope to hear from you.

Maybe we can travel on this journey together..
-Lost Girl

Followers..

Good morning, afternoon, evening, night... Depending on where you are in the world.

As a newbie to the world of blogging, I thought what better way to start then to do some research and look at other people's blogs, see what they have written, who they have written to, or about as the case may be. Some questions that generated....

What does it take to get people to read my blog? Or better yet, how to make a blog special. Special enough that people sit down and want to read your thoughts, listen to your voice. I guess all in all, I don't need followers. I need mini me's sitting around on computers actively searching for a voice that sounds like mine.

And while we are on the subject of bloggers, since when did blogging become so personal? Sure enough you are telling the world of your inner most thoughts and secrets, but should it not be anonomous to at least protect oneself from the dangers of too much sharing?I knew I am still new to this whole blogging thing and I don't expect to have many people read this but if you do stumble across my little blogging world, why not comment?

Let us hear your thoughts and opinions for what good is one voice when you can have a sea of voices...


Ever Faithful
Lost Girl

My First Blog

For those who generally write and read blogs, I must say I am a newbie. This is my first blog, the first attempt of spinning my thoughts into the world wide web, and honestly I am a little freaked out.

I guess as this is the beginning of the first chapter then an introduction is in order. For now you may know me as Lost Girl. This may indeed change as time goes on as things that were once lost can be found. I am female, turning 20 and Australian. I attend university, have three sisters and am still living at home. I have two dogs, a love for all things beautiful and no real talent in any field.

As a result of recent events, you could say that I am struggling with direction, religion and motivation amongst other things. I know that I am blessed and that although I am not well off, I am at least not starving in a third world country and even though I know this, it is so easy to get swept away in the drama of the everyday.

So in terms of an introduction, I think that will do for today, if you want to get to know me more, well you will just have to keep reading now won't you.
- Lost Girl.