'ello 'ello!

Wow blogging world, its nice to see that the big ol web is still churning and people out there are still looking for a connection to whatever it is that they need...

So when i started this blog it was to be a channel for my thoughts and opinions, for my journey and struggles, a place to just write and write and write and write in an anonymous way... has that changed? No not really, I guess the only changes would be that my blogging has slowed down considerably..

This space for those who read, stumble or just don't read, is a place for questioning, observing, and just thinking... If there is a question on your mind why not simply ask?

For this particular blogger, she is just starting back at uni, not quite studying where she needs to be but not falling behind either. She is desparate to begin her journey towards a skinnier me in which as of day 1, I shall be counting down the days as well as hopefully the kilo's until I reach my goal weight... All of which shall begin when I begin.. Its the sitting down and saying to myself for the next however long it will be, this is what I am, and what I am doing and nothing else can get in the way...

So until that day begins, I farewell thee bloggers, and end with this: is there something that you keep putting off, whether it is a secret that needs to be told, or a job that needs to be done... and why, exactly is it are you putting it off?? Or have you been in a situation where you needed to do something but did not particularily want to?? In that case how did you go about it??

As always,
-Lost Girl

I never realised how much of a drain travelling is, over the past week I have explored the tropical Singapore with my family. It was incredible, and such a new experience, (not the travelling part, the Singapore bit) that coming home I am stumped as to how to take my time. Apart from the fact, my younger siblings simply wanted to spend a weeek shopping, which in itself is a drain.... there is so much stuff, and people we met that its hard to work out what exactly went down when...

Some highlights though;
-trying my mum's idea of "pineapple" at a thai restaurant... turned out to be tapiocha which for all you who have not tasted it, it resembles something like wax, and is definitely not pineapple!
-Singapore, particularly Orchard Rd, at night! It is so beautiful with all the shopping centres, and different plaza's all lit up and sparklyy
-The Night Safari! OMG if you head to Singapore, apart from a whole heap of cash to shop your lights out, the Night Safari is the BIGGEST recommendation I probably will give. Most of you must be thinking, hang on a second a zoo is a zoo, and once you've seen one you have seen them all! well think again my friends, this branch of the singapore zoo, the night safari is indeed spectacular, you are welcomed by a very tribal performance with fire dancers, fire eaters, and even some flame throwing before heading off on either the train or the night walk with the many wonders of the night being insanely accessable and while most zoo's the animals seem to spend all day sleeping, these animals seem to have come alive with daylight falling.... from walking into enclosures with fruit bats and flying squirrals with a nack for gliding close to your head, to lions that roar, and even fight... to playful otters and many many other wonders...

So my prognossis, when on a short adventure like mine, expect to see many wonders, experience many different things, and be prepared for lots of dirty washing and an extreme tiredness when you get home....

Forever writing
-Lost and Wandering Girl

It has been a long time

Since I last posted. What has changed?
Nothing.. Everything... and some line in between.

It's my birthday tomorrow, I am going to be the big 20, no longer classified as a teen but still too young to be recognised as an adult.. I hope tomorrow turns out better than last yrs Birthday.

Another big note, I have moved out.. out of my home, away from my family.
I hope it is for the best...

SO while, there are changes going on, somethings have not changed and for that I remain
-Lost Girl

A short monolgue, from one to another.

You would like that wouldn't you? You, I see you staring at me with glazed eyes. You pretend like you have no idea what is going on. You would have liked it if I had've stayed in the dark, because the longer I am in the dark, the better you feel about yourself because all that guilt is kept at bay.

But I am not in the dark any longer, I will not be naive to the situation. I am on to your game, and I am not pretending innocence in this.

I'm over it. The fake smiles, the its ok attitude. It's gone.
It was driven away when you decided you would rather be with her. It's creepy you know. It's creepy that you used me to get to her, its creepy that you ditched me to buddy up to her.. and it's creepy that you are now cosy with her.
I just, I can't live with it. I can't deal with it, I can't pretend that it doesn't creep me out. It does.

So next time you decide to talk to me, know this. You will forever be deemed as her friend. You will forever be held at arms lengths, and I will not lean on you no longer. I banish you from my presence just like I banish you from my thoughts. I will not think of you in the days, weeks or months to come, and when you are mentioned or seen from here on in, you will just be a person. A person I no longer associate with, a person I no longer care for.

In all this, I do not hate you, I just can't live like this. For to hate you, would give you the satisfaction of know that I still care in a way. You would like that, wouldn't you?

A new day, a new beginning

This is going to happen.

From the minute I wake to the minute I sleep I think of you. I think of how today will be the day that we make the change, that we move towards a better me, and a better us.
With every breathe that escapes my being a new emotion erupts from within. Excitment, joy, anger, embarressment, guilt, and more importantly fear.

Fear, the fear that this time it won't work, that in a couple of hours I will just lapse into past behaviours, past habits and not do what I want to do. Don't you just hate fear?
-Lost Girl

Wish upon a Sunday

Once again Sunday dawns upon us. For every day that passes us by, and every chapter we write in our books of life we can always count on the sun rises and the sun sets. One day blurs into the next and before we know it, weeks, months and years have passed us by. But for every day that passes us by, there is a day that is seized. A day in which for the rest of our lives we shall remember it. The day we took action, the day we decided it was our time.

So, on this particular sunday, this sunday where we pay hommage to all the mothers out there for there choice of gifting life, I would ask you to reflect on the moments in which you may have seized the day. The times in which you stood up and took life by the hand and you told life that today, today was yours.

To all those who may be lost, or confused from one soul to another, Carpe a diem...
-Lost Girl

Philosophical Moments Arrive out of Despair.

I've stopped moving forward.

There are things in my life, that I desperately want. There are things in my life that I desperately need. And yet I am still sitting here, in the same spot I always sit. In the spot where it all began.. and all I can see is how nothing has changed. There has been no progression. It is as if the darkness itself is swallowing my soul from the inside out. All I ask is for some self control, for my body to do what my mind tells it to, for my mind to follow through what my will wants. And as I wait for the darkness to smother the light, I wonder how long until all you see is the shell of the person that exists inside. How long until no one sees the shell? and how does one come back from a slow state of dying?

Yes, death. Many have commented on it, many are afraid to think of it. The truth is, everyone dies. Everyone. Its wrong to think, oh well that person is going to live forever, or to look at your neighbour and know that they will have a long happy life: instead simply everyone dies. One day you may wake up and discover that your sister, or your mother, or your hairdresser, or your grocer is gone. Is dead. Didn't wake up. And eventually one day, something will happen and you won't be the one to draw breath anymore.

So what to do when you draw breath but there is no life to you? How to stop the darkness from consuming you? How to stop the darkness from consuming others?

I may see hell one day, and when I do, I hope it is worse than slowing dying while drawing breath. Because as far as I am concerned, there is nothing worse than knowing what you want and not being able to reach it, or living one moment in light and progression and then being thrown in to the reverse.

So, from the darkness and the despair in the bottom of my heart. From the hopelessness and worries of my soul. From the disbelief and the bewilderment in a failing deity I ask..

Are there still moments of hope in this life?
Can one find hope in the darkness?
And how does one keep going, keep striving forward, missing these failed moments in life???

Yours Forever
-Lost Girl