A short monolgue, from one to another.

You would like that wouldn't you? You, I see you staring at me with glazed eyes. You pretend like you have no idea what is going on. You would have liked it if I had've stayed in the dark, because the longer I am in the dark, the better you feel about yourself because all that guilt is kept at bay.

But I am not in the dark any longer, I will not be naive to the situation. I am on to your game, and I am not pretending innocence in this.

I'm over it. The fake smiles, the its ok attitude. It's gone.
It was driven away when you decided you would rather be with her. It's creepy you know. It's creepy that you used me to get to her, its creepy that you ditched me to buddy up to her.. and it's creepy that you are now cosy with her.
I just, I can't live with it. I can't deal with it, I can't pretend that it doesn't creep me out. It does.

So next time you decide to talk to me, know this. You will forever be deemed as her friend. You will forever be held at arms lengths, and I will not lean on you no longer. I banish you from my presence just like I banish you from my thoughts. I will not think of you in the days, weeks or months to come, and when you are mentioned or seen from here on in, you will just be a person. A person I no longer associate with, a person I no longer care for.

In all this, I do not hate you, I just can't live like this. For to hate you, would give you the satisfaction of know that I still care in a way. You would like that, wouldn't you?

A new day, a new beginning

This is going to happen.

From the minute I wake to the minute I sleep I think of you. I think of how today will be the day that we make the change, that we move towards a better me, and a better us.
With every breathe that escapes my being a new emotion erupts from within. Excitment, joy, anger, embarressment, guilt, and more importantly fear.

Fear, the fear that this time it won't work, that in a couple of hours I will just lapse into past behaviours, past habits and not do what I want to do. Don't you just hate fear?
-Lost Girl

Wish upon a Sunday

Once again Sunday dawns upon us. For every day that passes us by, and every chapter we write in our books of life we can always count on the sun rises and the sun sets. One day blurs into the next and before we know it, weeks, months and years have passed us by. But for every day that passes us by, there is a day that is seized. A day in which for the rest of our lives we shall remember it. The day we took action, the day we decided it was our time.

So, on this particular sunday, this sunday where we pay hommage to all the mothers out there for there choice of gifting life, I would ask you to reflect on the moments in which you may have seized the day. The times in which you stood up and took life by the hand and you told life that today, today was yours.

To all those who may be lost, or confused from one soul to another, Carpe a diem...
-Lost Girl

Philosophical Moments Arrive out of Despair.

I've stopped moving forward.

There are things in my life, that I desperately want. There are things in my life that I desperately need. And yet I am still sitting here, in the same spot I always sit. In the spot where it all began.. and all I can see is how nothing has changed. There has been no progression. It is as if the darkness itself is swallowing my soul from the inside out. All I ask is for some self control, for my body to do what my mind tells it to, for my mind to follow through what my will wants. And as I wait for the darkness to smother the light, I wonder how long until all you see is the shell of the person that exists inside. How long until no one sees the shell? and how does one come back from a slow state of dying?

Yes, death. Many have commented on it, many are afraid to think of it. The truth is, everyone dies. Everyone. Its wrong to think, oh well that person is going to live forever, or to look at your neighbour and know that they will have a long happy life: instead simply everyone dies. One day you may wake up and discover that your sister, or your mother, or your hairdresser, or your grocer is gone. Is dead. Didn't wake up. And eventually one day, something will happen and you won't be the one to draw breath anymore.

So what to do when you draw breath but there is no life to you? How to stop the darkness from consuming you? How to stop the darkness from consuming others?

I may see hell one day, and when I do, I hope it is worse than slowing dying while drawing breath. Because as far as I am concerned, there is nothing worse than knowing what you want and not being able to reach it, or living one moment in light and progression and then being thrown in to the reverse.

So, from the darkness and the despair in the bottom of my heart. From the hopelessness and worries of my soul. From the disbelief and the bewilderment in a failing deity I ask..

Are there still moments of hope in this life?
Can one find hope in the darkness?
And how does one keep going, keep striving forward, missing these failed moments in life???

Yours Forever
-Lost Girl

All Nighters

With this uni semester nearing an end, it forces one to ponder, so what next? Although I may not be graduating I still must ask the question. After all, there is only so much of studying and being broke one can handle before they go crazy.

Until the semester ends though, on nights like tonight, when I have urgent assignments that need to be churned out, caffeine becomes my new best friend.

To all those out there, when things are urgent do you find that more things pile up or things go crazy when you don't need them to?? For me, in the past 3 hours I have had to install a new anti-virus software, install a new office, find missing texts, clean some space as well as clean up the drink I spilled. At least unlike the last time my massive essay was due, I haven't sprained both my ankles.

So, I buckle down for a nice all nighter, which hopefully I will not simply sleep through (like last time) and pray that this assignment writes itself. Although you would think theology would be one of the easiest subjects to talk on, how hard is it to write an essay on God?? well.. difficult I must admit, especially when asked to write on "what the theology that emerges is" what does that even mean??

So i say goodbye to all you bloggers, and hope that those of you with pressing matters on your hands can complete them swiftly without too much drama. I also hope that unlike me you will not suffer from a failed Japanese test.
-Lost Girl